Burgers

Bland and greasy, the only flavour is the washed out tomato sauce that has soaked into an already soggy bun (which is threatening to fall apart with the least provocation). I think we’ve all had burgers like these. They are usually from some fast food emporium that even manages to make the pickle taste of water.

I don’t imagine I’m on my own when I say I love a good burger, and I think good is the operative word here, because it’s easy enough to get a burger, but a good one, that takes a little more effort.

If you speak to any serious connoisseur of beef burgers they will tell you with unblinking severity that the only meat to use is ground chuck (the flavoursome meat from the shin from the cow), and they are likely to have a nasty attack of the jim-jams if you use the word ‘lean’. “You need the fat to hold in the moisture. Kill the fat and you kill the burger”, they will tell you, with flecks of foam at the corner of the mouth. They’re not wrong, but they’re not exclusively right either.

The best burgers I can make are veggie burgers. Seriously! I have to put this in context because I’m talking about using a ready made burger, and this is the crux. Any pre-made burgers I’ve bought have been frightful in the level off grease that has come out of them. They have lacked any taste or texture and have generally been the culinary equivalent of a prostate exam. No, despite being a lover of animal flesh, the only burgers I eat with any regularity are veggie burgers, and although they don’t taste as good as a proper beef burger, they have a superior texture to any ready-made burger.

Here’s how I make a veggie burger.

Firstly I fire up the grill (I never fry burgers). I grill the veggie burgers from frozen, that way the outside can get quite crisp whilst the inside remains moist – and nothing is less appealing than a dried out veggie burger. The variety I use are quite thin so I place two per bun, and usually one burger is about right. The burgers come from Tesco and are just soya, no breadcrumbs, no lumps of vegetables, just soya.

Next, toast that bun. I always use a wholesome brown bread bun – purely because it is healthy, no other reason. Whatever bun you use, cut in half and toast the inside surfaces – you need to do this to limit how much of the condiments soak through as you don’t want a soggy bun.

Once your bun is toasted, let it cool on the grill so that it doesn’t ‘sweat’ and go soggy; it should take a couple of minutes tops. After it has cooled spread a thin layer of mayo on the bottom part of the bun, followed by some whole grain mustard to mix in.  If you like a strong flavour, drop the mayo and whole grain and go straight for the English mustard.

On top of this you want to add a layer of gherkin (pickle to our American friends), the amount and how thick you cut it is entirely up to your sense of taste. I like lots and I frequently throw in some sliced jalapenos.

The next layer is some sauce, and I can recommend some barbeque sauce to go on top of the gherkin. If you want to spice it up, why not throw some Tabasco or peri-peri into the mix.

Meanwhile, on the bun lid; some finely sliced lettuce along with some thinly sliced tomatoes should be placed on top of a decent layer of mayonnaise.

Once the burgers are just about cooked, on goes the cheese. Don’t mess about with good quality cheese; it needs to be those disturbingly plastic cheese slices. One per burger please.

So the burgers are cooked, the cheese has melted, and the buns are ready. On to the base we slap the burgers, followed by another quick squeeze of barbeque sauce and then on with the lid. And that’s it. Eat that bad-boy whilst it’s good and hot.